A guide to East Lancashire involving singing trees, seeing no ghosts and eavesdropping on East Lancashire men at a real ale and steam train pub in Bury.
Hall i’ th’ Woods.
Has ever a more evocative name been heard? It has a sense of place, a fascinating history, regalness and ancient romance. Open at irregular times and of course reputed to be so utterly haunted it has even featured on that grand portal in the unknown, Most Haunted.
We enter via the council estate to a genial woman inviting us on a bug hunt.
This is what happens when haunted houses are owned by Bolton council.
The genial Northern woman is so genial I at first want her to be an ambassador for the North, such is her lovely burring tones and quiet enthusiasm. Once she gives my boy a silhouette matching worksheet, I have quietly raised her above Jeremy Corbyn in the Prime Minister stakes.
Sorry, Jeremy, I tried to imagine you patiently explaining to a cross four year how a spit worked in the kitchen of an ancient hall but I can’t. Well, I can definitely visualise you more than the other Labour candidates doing such a thing but Genial Northern Woman could probably ward off ISIS with a twinkle in her eye and a local wildlife worksheet.
I try to soak up the atmosphere of the history ( and definitely ghost) soaked building but it is slightly marred by the loudly enunciated complaints of the job in question, boss and fellow workmen by a man by a ladder in a yellow tabard staring grimly and unromantically at the ancient walls.
I think if a headless white woman appeared, he would tell her she ‘wasn’t in his job description.’
Burnley
There is a singing ringing tree in Burnley. I have read about it often and wanted to see it. On a Trip Advisor review of the Singing Ringing Tree, someone is angry about the free and beautiful attraction. He says he could have done it for sixty quid instead of the actual cost of the installation. Whilst looking and listening to the art installation, instead of listening to the finely tuned pipes sending glorious music across the landscape, I am being cross about the stupid review and decide I will offer him sixty quid to make exactly the same installation. It will be worth not eating for a week.
Bury
There is a pub, the cosiest pub in existence that sits next to the East Lancashire Railway in Bury. Steam trains puff past, there is a sign at the door that says badly behaved children will be made into pies. Pleasingly, my child believes it and sits still and terrified.
Someone has been so shocked by the menu of a pub nearby they have painstakingly photographed the menu on their phone to further shock other locals not acquainted with the menu in question.
The entire menu ( yes, entire menu) is read out with great solemnity and fanfare ending in outrage when it comes to the price.
‘Cheese and Onion Pie’- ‘How much do you reckon?
People give prices from the seventies.
Fanfare- ‘£8.95!
People gasp.
‘Yes’ says the grand orator wielding his old Nokia. ‘£8.95’!
‘Now,’….an expectant pause.
‘How much do you think for a cheese toastie?’
Silence
‘I’m telling you, £3.95!’
There is shock and awe.
He continues.
‘So four quid for cheese on toast!’
Someone intervenes.
‘So cheese on toast is more than the toastie?’
‘No! I’ve rounded it up to show you the actual price!’
A low mutter commences.
‘Now, get this!’- The phone is wielded around like an oracle of God.
‘There’s a children’s menu!- that’ll be half a sausage then!’
People nod wisely.
‘Four quid!’
This creates a low hubbub.
Someone else chimes in the price of a scotch egg he once had but I am tragically unable to hear it due to the quiet roar.
It continues. Every single item on the menu is listed to a shocked pause. Meals are discussed as to their constituent ingredients to prove the shocking price of it combined, cooked and served. I know more about this averagely priced menu than I do about my own family. I listen in a bubble of steam train smoke and strong perry (£3 a pint 7.5%)
THEN the outrage over a sign by a nearby gastropub.
‘Well, it said free beer but it was a trick!’
‘It said Free in big letters and wifi in small letters and beer in big letters’.
Everyone is disgusted.
‘I won’t go to a place that lies’.
‘To resort to those tactics shows the sort of place it is-they’ve reduced themselves and shown the sort of place it is.’
Tragically, just as the conversation turns to the death of Cilla Black, I have to leave.
This, more than even a stuck ghost belonging to Bolton Council will forever haunt me.
August 6th, 2015 at 3:34 pm
Perry is a splendid and under-appreciated drink — and with the chatter of passing trains even better.
I have tried (and failed) to find my photo of a pub sign saying that children who are running around will be pinned to the table. Something for Wetherspoons to look at perhaps.
August 9th, 2015 at 9:31 pm
There should definitely be more aggressive pub signs aimed at small children. My child is terrified of them and also ‘the man’ or ‘the lady’ but sadly not of me.