May 31 2014

Steampunk in Morecambe- a beginners guide.

Q. What is steampunk?
A. It is Goth in the future from the past. Octopuses also feature.

I hope that has been of help.

If you want your child to stay off depravity and vice, I thoroughly recommend you getting them obsessed with death. A penchant for skulls and Victorian mourning jewellery normally seamlessly melds into a liking for a nice cake and a cup of tea from a pleasing vintage cup. There is no bar but in the Wacky Warehouse next door, there is no-one to be seen in seventeen petticoats apart from me.Looking like a Victorian prostitute whilst sitting on your own in a chain family pub in Morecambe is strangely edifying.

The market consists of very very lovely things sold by very very lovely people. If you don’t consider ‘very very lovely’ things made from glass eyeballs,cogs and superglue, then you have wasted the two pounds entrance fee. And I pity you.

When watching Ash Mandrake perform, I yearn to have the power to make him attend every primary school in the country instead of the general insipid live performances of Robin Hood. He is a one man band, storyteller and singer featuring satanic eyes, murky folk tunes, hypnotic loops and a double necked guitar. Genial Men with purple hair and waistcoats eat strawberry cake and clap politely.

It is not raucous here.

Carlisle Clog and Sword performers dance around with swords without killing anyone, an amazing feat for this card carrying dyspraxic to watch in-between working out how many petticoats are still in her pants after having a post Wacky Warehouse Echo Falls related wee. This is a sentence I never thought I would have to say.

I buy hairclips with ravens on in a post Echo Falls/ petticoats in pants haze from women in full Victorian attire.

It has been a splendid day out.

May 4 2014

Wray Festival 2014 (with a furry Lou Reed)


I could probably not write anything else and people would be sated and happy to see a picture of a furry Lou Reed on a bank holiday.

Like a grim analogy of the current government, this mechanical boot kicks limp defeated buttocks for all eternity.

I was vaguely disappointed at slightly less political scarecrows than usual. The theme was Heroes and Villains but I think Wray might have overdone sarcastic Nick Clegg scarecrows and Con/Dem alliance puns in previous years.

However when living in a leafy well off village in Lancashire, one can always be cross about something.

Now without going all Daily Mail, I generally prefer not to narrow that fraught line between scarecrows, Toy Story and sex.


I’m not sure if you can make out the handcuffs in this one. They may have been obscured by the beer. If I lived in Wray, I might well make obscene scarecrows just for the lols and not having to make small talk when picking my child up from nursery as I would be delightfully shunned like a harlot from the past.

I’ve always wanted to be that.

Ghandi in paper mache form still made me feel at peace with myself and I stopped wanting to make a scarecrow from a sex doll just to annoy my fantasy neighbours.


It is absolutely definitely time for another furry Lou Reed interlude.

It’s how he always wanted to be remembered.

He actually flashed! No cock shot sadly. But a pressed button and a flirtish lift of the kilt. I had to sit down for a bit.

A sentiment I am sure we’ve all felt.

Hurray! It’s Nigel himself! With a fag and an empty pint. A splendidly posh man booms happily at him. I am unsure whether he realises it is a scarecrow representation of the man.

Enjoy your bank holiday and remember, sleep tight everyone…