I have been nowhere and done nothing

I have not been anywhere so have nothing to write.

However this makes me feel a bit guilty for my twoish loyal followers and the hopeful hundreds who find my blog by googling ‘Dogging in Skipton’ or ‘Sexy Sychronised Swimming Scarecrows’ and are then left bereft and possibly annoyed by the paucity of such lurid content apart from a photo of a straw stuffed hag in a sagging elderly cossie as part of the  Wray Scarecrow Festival and a Word Document moan about dog poo in Skipton.

I like looking at my stats but it also makes me fear for humanity and the dark thoughts that dwell inside the average Google surfer who lands upon my blog.

If you are not thinking about sex, you are thinking about the undead. No wonder the Twilight franchise is so popular.

Chingle Hall, an allegedly splendidly  haunted house near Preston which used to be open to the public but now is not and something I wrote about many moons ago, crops up foremost with feverish viewers asking ‘Is Chingle House open to the public?’ , something I should have typed in myself before driving twenty miles to watch the owner slowly  gardening from a public footpath quite a way away.
Someone could benefit from registering ‘Car boot sale Dumfries’ to help those poor souls possibly writing on a Dell Keyboard with several letters missing (‘Aye,  you can get them letters cheap online’ who want to just instantly find the time and place of a cold Scottish car boot sale on the Borders (and possibly the seller of the cheap laptop) but then get about 1000 words of Southern waffle about Clairol Foot Spas instead.
Today someone  was desperate to find a phallus shaped stone in Liverpool and thus found my blog despite my haziness about writing about willy stones in the Wirral.

When you are not thinking about porn, car boot sales and ghosts, (a happy combination which should surely become a bestseller should I add a few connectives and adjectives) hippies in Totnes seduce you and there has either been one desperate individual or 13 sad unimaginative or perverted souls  (hiya!) who have found my blog by Googling ‘Inspector Gadget costumes’, strangely something I have never ever written about.

So anyway, I have been nowhere far because it is extremely cold and we lack money to go somewhere else-and we’re talking Ulverston here, not the Carribean.

Christmas is coming so Lancaster is heaving, I will probably kill someone or indeed anyone  if I hear the over exaggerated overdramatised over played shriek of ‘IIIIIiiit’s CHRISTMAS!!!!’ in the middle of Slade’s hideous seasonal (and only) hit.
There is a Chestnut seller who roars in a cheerily Victorian way but he is ignored due to the shove towards the Calendar Club shop.
Christmas has already been here for far too long-I started seeing the cards displayed in August and due to the weather got confused and panic bought some christmas cards of Highlander Terriers in the snow.
I saw the first flurry of Easter eggs, the small Creme Egg and Caramel Egg displays that hint at Easter the other day in a Premier shop. Somewhen soon, the relentless  advance of selling will start to chase its tail and it will be at least three years fast forwarded unless the Mayan Calendar has its delighful apocolyptical way.

In which case we are all dead.

I think?

6 Responses to “I have been nowhere and done nothing”

  • nunmoreblack Says:


    I’m sure folk find their way to your most excellent blog in various ways. From a personal standpoint you once commented on a particular Lancaster business that I am slightly involved with.

    I think ‘dark’ thoughts are best left as thoughts, and not searched. What good can come of it? Sex, the undead, and Totnes do indeed make perfect bedfellows but I’m not going to Devon anytime soon.

    My Inspector Gadget costume, on the other hand….let’s not go there.

    No. I am here today because of Noddy(Neville), Dave, Jim and Don. That’s right. As a former member of the Slade fan club, I wish to defend them as they are not here to defend themselves. (“Put the mirrored top hat DOWN, Noddy. NOW”).

    It’s true, iiittts CHRISTMAS was not their high water mark, but there was much more to them than that.

    They started in the late sixties playing a kind of folk/rock mix (see early albums Slayed, and Sladest), and toured relentlessly in the ubiquitous ‘van’. By the time they tapped into the glam scene, and scored hit after hit, I reckon they’d put in the hard miles and fully deserved the royalties.

    Later, they released a film called Flame. This is now regarded by critics as one of the better ‘band’ movies.

    Curiously, some years ago I had an aquaitance with a gentleman who had appeared as a drummer in said movie. He confirmed to me that the band members were decent, well grounded sorts (visited their mums regularly, that kind of thing).

    So, as you are (rightly) enraged by that seasonal blast, remember they also penned the haunting Pouk Hill; the wistful Know Who You Are; the dizzy Far Far Away; and, er, Sqeeze Me Please Me. Hmmmm.

    I’m off to my day job now. I am not thinking about porn, car boot sales or ghosts.

    Except now I am.


  • Auntiemeena Says:

    Oh dear! We have got a touch of the Christmas grumps.
    Did St. Nicholas only leave you a lump of coal in your
    clogs last week? Nevermind come over here and sit down
    with your Auntie Meena. I’ve got just the thing to raise
    your festive spirits. We’ll watch the two greatest Christmas
    movies ever made, back to back- ‘Its a Wonderful Life’ and
    ‘Die Hard’. Now I’m going next door to heat up some mince
    pies and treat us both to one of Aunties advocaat and
    lemonades. While you’re making yourself comfy, you might
    want to take another look at those stats, especially the ones
    concerning Slade. They weren’t quite my thing dear, but I’m
    pretty certain they were on Top of the Pops most weeks, not
    just at Christmas. Mind you that was a long time ago, and I
    might just be confused. I’ll pop the video in.
    Won’t be long.

  • cyberfairy Says:

    I take your points regarding Slade and now have a more accurate knowledge of the average age of my readers ;-)
    Will look up some more Slade music on Spotify (quietly when no-ones looking)
    And I am cheered up by Christmas now as it is an excuse to buy yet more led battery operated fairy lights which I like even more than christmas.
    Can we watch The Box Of Delights on bbc1 on Boxing day afternoon whilst drinking fake Baileys from Lidl?

  • Auntiemeena Says:

    Do you mind dear if I don’t join you for ‘A Box of Delights’? Just a little too twee for me I’m afraid and not enough men running around in vests. Trust me dear, when you get to my age, fit men in vests make everything a little more bearable. Merry Christmas X

  • Mel Says:

    I think I found your blog whilst looking for unicycles in the north, and it’s since become a favourite of my feeds! (despite few -no?- references to unicycling.
    -Also, just tried searching ‘dogging in Lancaster’ and ‘dogging in lancaster blog’ and your site didn’t come up in the first ten pages from google, so these people must be desperate!

  • narf7 Says:

    Done nothing…been nowhere…bored shitless…Ditto! Willy stones in the Wirral?! Time to email Steve’s mum Pat and get her on the case! As a bored Liverpudlian housewife I am sure she has nothing better to do than go willy hunting in the Wirral…I am glad that the U.K. is being subject to Slade because for some reason, one of our 2 major supermarkets over here decided to hire all things “hasbeen” and “70′s” and we have Slade singing us Christmas songs to advertise ham and prawns and it isn’t even 70′s Slade…its old and farty 2012 Slade! It’s a wonder they remember how to sing let alone all of the words…Posted too early for us to be dead yet…wait till Friday when penniless hippy husband is bravely heading out to do the Christmas food shop and will be phoning back at 30 minute intervals as I will be here with the dogs and will no doubt get swamped by the killer waves a few nanoseconds before he bites the dust further inland so I apparently “HAVE TO” answer the phone should he feel like ringing or he will have to suffer the embarassment of screaming out “WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE” to a supermarket of addled Christmas shoppers…Enjoy your Christmas… at least it will be cold…ours is hot and expat hitherto mentioned husband can’t get used to it. Lying on the beach at Christmas? It’s just “not cricket!”…

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